Mathgamhain Nua (Neo-Bear)

At precisely one minute after midnight on the morning of 9 July, two things happened; I turned 50 years old, and I ended my one year life experiment entitled 'Dying Practice' which I have chronicled in my Dying Practice Blog/Journal.

My actual dying practice will only ever really end with my death... as dying is everything leading up to death, and death requires no practice at all.. once I am dead, death will take care of itself.

Until that time, however, every moment is a moment during which I can try to copy my good actions rather than my unskillful ones, or perhaps create new skillful or good actions. By using the terms good/bad, skillful/unskillful, etc., I am, of course falling into the trap of dualism, however, being a human being, and selecting a blog within which I choose to express myself via the medium of words.. I am stuck with words and with all of the associated attributes that come with words.. so, what am I to do with that other than my best?? In any case, 'good' and 'bad' are not making reference to some absolute benchmark, or to something defined by religious doctrine, law, or any other contrived or constructed measure. By good or bad, skillful or unskillful.. I simply mean that, when presented with a moment... or a moment within a moment.. that I am mindful and wise enough to choose the most appropriate response available to me according the to the true function of the moment.

Living authentically and fully is a stream of such choices... every inbreath and every outbreath offers a host of such choices... but, if we focus on this too closely, we become paralyzed by the sheer insurmountability of the myriad details!

So. How do I proceed?

I sleep when I am tired. Eat when I am hungry. Drink when I am thirsty. When I walk.. I just walk.. that's all. When I love, or laugh, or cry, or simply be... I dissolve completely into that moment, and give myself up entirely into it.

This is what I have learned... so, now comes the tough part. I must practice actually doing it... with every breath... without getting stuck... like a stream flowing... or like a silken scarf sliding off the edge of a glass table..

No hesitation.. just respond appropriately to whatever life unfolds.

Ha! What a crock of bullshit!! And yet, I shall try....

I think I can do it... I am new now. And improved!!

I will be sharing my thoughts from here once again from this day onward, and no longer on my Dying Practice Blog.

I wonder if any of you will come back to visit me?

Some advice...

Keep moving forward! NEVER look back!!

..... Somethin' might be gaining on ya!

Surprise!!

I woke up this morning, got dressed, and headed in to work. When I arrived, I walked over to the time-clock to punch in, but, much to my surprise, there was no longer a time-card with my name on it. Strangely, the bin which usually contains all of the blank time-cards was conspicuously empty. (!?!?!)




As I stood there, mulling over the possible ramifications of this situation, one of my more senior co-workers approached, with his best funeral-director face on, and informed me not to punch in (as though I could!!), and to just sit tight for a while, as the owner of the company wanted to talk to a few of us...... (That didn't sound good!).


I stood around like a knob for a while, and then the intercom announced an incoming telephone call for the shop foreman... (this has never happened in all of the time I have been there... so it certainly seemed significant....)




At this point, I send my wife a brief text message over the cell phone, as follows: "Luv U-     Lookin like I may not hav a job       wont know till mike comes in       this sucks"



Sure enough, the foreman went from person to person, had a brief conversation, faces went from surprise, to shock, to sadness... shoulders slumped, and folks headed for their individual work areas and began to collect their belongings..... I knew the axe had fallen when he headed in my direction.




"Mike just called... I really hate to have the be the one to do this... he always does this to me... Well, you don't work here any more... They discussed the situation, we are dead... there isn't any work... and, well, they don't have any need of your services any more.... your last check is in the mail. I'm sorry, I really like you.... Whenever he has to let people go, he disappears, and I am always the one who has to do it...."




So... that was it. No job. Surprise!




I went around and shook everyone's hand, wished them well... packed up my few things, and headed out on the lonely drive home.



Anybody hiring??

Dying Practice

In one month, I intend to begin a year-long 'dying practice'. I have initiate a separate blog in order to explain and chronicle my experiences. Anyone who is interested in following my progress, or in joining me in this practice may view the blog here. The blog is entitled "A Year To Live" and the title is borrowed from the book of the same tite written by Mr. Stephen Levine, from whom I will be drawing much of the material for my practice. I highly recommend the book. I don't intend to go into the why's and wherefore's of the practice on this blog...that is the purpose of the other blog, after all! However, for those of you who may be interested, you are welcome pop on over!

The Harkonnen Kid

I tended bar at a communion today.. it was a decent group of folks, and the shift passed uneventfully... for the most part.

There was a little boy at the party who struck me as slightly... um... psychotic peculiar.

For one thing, he remained aloof from all of the other children, choosing not to play with them, talk to them, or, for that matter, any where near them.

As soon as he walked into the room where the party was being held, he walked directly up to the mirrored post that was actually touching the front corner of my bar, placed his nose against the glass, and began talking to himself.

For the first minute or so, it didn't seem all that strange... it was a 'kid' thing to do....

After about five minutes had passed, it started to seem a bit odd to me, to be honest. To be frank, I began to wish that he would stop that and go away..

I asked him, "See anybody familiar in there?"

He rolled one baleful eye in my direction, fixed a rather bland, lifeless insane uninterested stare on me for a few moments, and, apparently deciding that I did not rate a reply simply returned to his 'conversation'.

He began to wiggle and squirm... all the while talking and whispering to himself at extreme close-up.... then he began to kiss himself...

This sort of put me off.... it seemed disturbing in some vague, non-specific way... (kill your entire family!! Kill them ALL!!) so I decided to turn my attention elsewhere. I busied myself with the myriad tasks of tending bar for a number of people... serving drinks, doing sidework and the constant cleanup and maintenance that is necessary to keep the bar spotless (I like to work behind a clean bar... not a swamp....).

After about 30 minutes or so, I checked on the kid... mostly in the mis-guided hope, I suppose, that he had quit doing whatever the frig that was and had moved on to eat the plastic plants or steal from his granny's purse, or whatever it is that disturbingly weird kids do to pacify themselves... but, sadly, he was still at his post (literally), but now he was licking the mirror and sort of humping the post... this is in full view, mind you, of a room of perhaps one hundred people...

At this point, several small blood vessels in my eyes and brain ruptured and began to bleed and my skin began to crawl... the kid was freakin' me out!!

The party chugged along, with guests dancing, eating, laughing, drinking and socializing... all of the things that one would expect to see happening at a party... and good old Tom (the kid), simply stood there... a scant three feet away from me.... and gave his mirror image a tongue-bath and a good sound humping while he constantly whispered sweet nothings to himself...

I'm not really sure what that whole thing was about, but I am glad that I am not that kid's mirror... stuffed animal... live animal.... or anything else..

I drew a picture of him, which is above. It was drawn with the mouse, so its a wee bit wonky... but its a fair likeness nonetheless... this way, when he appears on CNN after whatever tragic occurrence he orchestrates, you will be able to recognize him!

There. I have done my civic duty; You have been warned.

Goodnight, and thank you for playing!!

Good EVE-en-ing!!

The Jury is Still Out... but...

Upon completing the first full week of work at my new job, I must admit that the jury is still out insofar as my overall pronouncement of judgment is concerned. There are things I like, and things that I am not quite so keen on... All in all I like the job, and, truth be told I am happy to have a job (the bills don't pay themselves!). As far as this job being THE Job?? -- I'm not really sure yet.. I do have a list of pros and cons;

• PRO: The people are calm, proficient, and kind - no need to unravel the intricate knots of office politics here... particularly since, due to the sound of machinery running the entire day, one cannot hear what anyone else is saying unless they are literally closer than arm's length!
• CON: The pay is not really very good as it stands right now.
• PRO: They pay should increase as I learn the skills that will make me a more valuable member of the crew.
• CON: I have no idea how long this timetable of learning and earning will take - and I can ill afford to remain at this pay level for very long...
• PRO: The 'supposed' upward end of the pay scale for this job is pretty decent.
• CON: There is no guarantee that I will ever see this upward end of the pay scale. I can only try.
• PRO: I am more or less left alone to do my work.
• CON: I am required to engage in a constant and intense level of physical activity that I have, apparently, become quite unaccustomed to.. every cell of my body is shrieking in pain.
• PRO: I am on the long upward climb back to a semblance of fitness... I find that I probably don't really need to be sitting on my ass getting fat and out of shape all day... so that I can come home feeling sluggish and sit on the couch where I can get even more fat and more out of shape!
• CON: I am on my feet the entire day.
• PRO: I am burning calories the entire day. (It occurs to me that if I am actually burning calories and expending enough energy to lose a little weight ((which, honestly, I could well afford to lose..)) standing on my feet all day won't be so bad - since I won't be carrying so much weight on them!)
• CON: I am no longer able to attend the early morning sittings at the Zen Center. I quite enjoy starting the work week with meditation practice, and find that the lack of practice leaves a void that I find disturbing.
• PRO: I am busting my ass and hopefully will be in a good position to request permission to come in a wee bit late on practice days at the Zendo.. perhaps I can make up the time or they will simply write it off.
• CON: I feel like a bit of a loser, starting from scratch at this stage of the game. Every job I have taken has seemed like a fantastic opportunity at first... and as time wore on, I came to realize that I had swallowed some line and that there was really no opportunity at all; unless you call a dead-end, go nowhere, be verbally abused and exploited type of position a golden opportunity! Somewhere in the dark, dank, sub-sub-basement of my mind I harbor a suspicion that I have been scammed again, and that I will one day wake up to discover that I am a fool who has dove in hook, line & sinker for another bullshit story... and it doesn't do a great deal for my self-respect, truth be known....
• PRO: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. All I can do is use my best judgment, put forth my best effort, and trust in my boss to reward it. I can always leave and do something else. Maybe trusting in others... even if that trust turns out to be ill-placed, isn't exactly a portrait of my character; after all, I can only know what my senses offer as clues for me to process... and as more and more comes to light, perceptions are adjusted to reflect a more and more accurate picture of the situation. In this case, my best course of action is to do a good job and hope that the needs of the company will match with my needs in a timely fashion. At least for now, I have a place to get up and go to each day... and a paycheck at the end of the week. Hopefully, my body will quickly strengthen and I my energy levels will begin to increase... that's a benefit all by itself!!

So... that is my current assessment of the new job. I realized as I was working in the garden yesterday, under the sunshine, that there was a noticeable lack of dread concerning the Monday morning return to work. In my last position, although I enjoyed the work, and even my stupid cubicle, I had to put up with a great deal of verbal and mental abuse... and it wasn't really all that pleasant.... that is, thankfully (at least for now!), missing at this job; the people are surprisingly congenial and friendly... so I am happy for that. It nearly makes the pay-cut worth it!! (I probably would have paid the money to make the nonsense go away at the last job had I been offered the chance!).

Tomorrow starts a new work week. I am somewhat more comfortable now, I know (more or less) what I am doing and what is expected of me in my little piece of the process, and I don't really mind the prospect of getting up and going to work. This is much better than fighting my sub-conscious inclination to find some excuse to stay home in order to avoid the nastiness and unpleasant dispositions that I knew I was going to be confronted with!

Not too shabby, now that I think about it! HA!

First Day...

I am home from my first day at the new job. The people are very nice, so far.. which is a pleasant surprise...

I had a great deal thrown at me, and unimaginable amounts of stuff to learn yet (I am starting at the bottom of the ladder... this is a new thing entirely for me.. so this was expected).

The job entails a great deal of time spent standing, and a lot of lifting, carrying, bending and stooping... so I am a little smoked; I will have to acclimate to this having spent a good while at a job where I sat in a chair the entire day.

Tomorrow, I expect I will be sore... and Wednesday will probably be worse!! But, this is part of the deal... I have been through this process before (the physical process of acclimating to a higher level of activity), so I know what I can expect... I don't look forward to it, but I am not averse to it either.

The first three months or so will more or less suck, and then it wont be as noticable... all in all, I like the job, and I think I will do okay here... Of course, I am still on the new guy 'honeymoon', so its hard to tell, yet... at first glance, though, I think it will all work out pretty well.